Day 25: Shed

Posted on January 25, 2014 by joshdaddy

IMG_1826OK, no one is ever going to accuse me of sartorial splendor, that’s for sure. Still, as with my now-culled t-shirt collection, the clothes I do have hanging in my closet are definitely more than enough.

The truth is, there are plenty of things I am holding onto that I haven’t worn in years–maybe even decades in some cases. Then there are the clothes that no longer fit (which I guess I’m holding onto just in case I gain back 30 or so pounds?) And then there are the clothes I’ve never worn–gifts, mostly, or hand-me-down suits from an uncle or my father-in-law, that I’ve felt too guilty about to simply toss away.

Well, today is the day to get over all of that and shed as much unwanted or unneeded clothing as possible.

As I did before, I went about this process in a couple of rounds. The first go was easy. The second round I slowed down, started trying on pants, imagining whether or not a day would come when one of my sons would want a thin, red, polyester knit tie, etc. The third go-around, I stopped thinking too hard and simply asked myself: if I haven’t worn it in a couple of years, what makes me think I’m going to wear it now?

I didn’t count what stayed on my shelves and on hangers at the end of the day, but here’s what I did manage to shed:

  • 10 sweaters/sweatshirts
  • 21 shirts
  • 10 pairs of pants
  • 12 pairs of shorts
  • 7 sport coats
  • 9 ties
  • 6 belts
  • 5 pairs of shoes
  • 1 vest

That was four full bags of clothes, which will head off to the Salvation Army or some other charity over the next couple of days.IMG_1836

Today’s exercise, of course, wasn’t just about winning a little more closet space or losing some of the clutter in the bedroom. It really provided me with an opportunity to challenge some of the default thinking I have, namely: let me hold onto this (fill in the blank) for a little bit longer, just in case…. What I’m never too sure of is how that sentence ends: in case of what? I am sure that everything I tossed today will not be missed–by me, or my children, or by the people who gave me gifts and hand-me-downs.

So why do I hold onto stuff for so long?

It’s definitely time to let go of the things I don’t need–especially those things that I’m only holding onto because, well, because I’ve held onto to them for so long.

As I was loading up all those bags, I still caught myself hesitating: But wait! Maybe some of this stuff could be worth good money!

And the chances of that are about as good as one of my kids wanting that polyester knit tie in a few years.

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Day 24: Center

Posted on January 24, 2014 by joshdaddy

The other day, I was sitting around with some Friends and got to thinking about “centers”–as in finding your center; getting centered, centering yourself, etc. It struck me that I wasn’t entirely sure if we find or make our centers.

It’s really a question of a gap that is all too common in my daily life–a gap between what I’d like to be the source of my actions and the place from which most of my actions seem to come.

For today, then, I tried to be as aware of my actions as possible–to catch myself in the act, so to speak, and then trace backwards to the source of those actions. Too be honest, it was a busy day, and for the vast majority of my time at work, I was pretty much on auto-pilot. But when I did manage to pay attention to “where I was coming from” (wow, don’t I sound like a hippie), what I discovered was a lot of shifting ground–a range of emotions, drives, and beliefs motivating me to act in certain ways–and perceive the world in certain ways as well.

Which led me to wonder: do I have one center or many?

To some extent “finding my center” feels more like planting a flag than uncovering a source. What I mean is: if from moment to moment my center is a moving target, perhaps the key to “centering” is a matter of being willing to make myself just a little less complicated.

Let’s take my old pal resentment. Sure, everyone gets resentful, but there are days in which most of my actions seem to radiate from a place of resentment. Noticing this means I can now ask myself:

Do I want resentment to be my center?

There may be days when my actions answer for me–why yes, I think I will “come from” resentment for the rest of the day, thank you very much. And I suspect there will be days as well in which the question may be enough to shift my focus. The same is true of other emotions that tend to become a center of gravity for my thoughts and actions on any given day–anger, insecurity, arrogance, and so on.

So if it is possible for me to pull up stakes from any one of these sites that is acting as my center, then the next question is: can I choose some other source as my center? Can I choose “patience” or “peace” or even “simplicity” as a source for my actions?

Ironically, it seems a lot easier to be a “complicated” person, bouncing from one center of emotional gravity to another–than to embrace a more simplified version of myself–not a narrowed range of emotions that I would allow myself to experience, but rather a conscious attempt to limit the degree to which any one of these ultimately fleeting thoughts and feelings can become the source of my outlook on the day.

So today was another observational day. I’m not sure how much I did today, but perhaps to some degree I helped focus myself on the possibility of choosing a more stable center to my actions.

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Day 23: Sell

Posted on January 23, 2014 by joshdaddy

This is a hard one.

Our finances are…not so good. Don’t get me wrong–we are not lacking in any essentials (you should see my daughter’s shoe collection), but as a family we do seem to operate at a deficit pretty much every month. Certainly there’s a need to simplify our spending habits. And as I was noting yesterday, it’s not like I can make a go at this one alone. I’m going to need some key allies to address how, when, and what we choose to purchase or consume.

The worst part of our finances, though–from an emotional perspective at least–is the burden of carrying all of those beyond-income expenses. Now I know how relative finances can be, so I’m not going to quote exact figures, but in terms of take-home pay, our current debt exceeds our monthly income by more than 200%. Or to put in another way: based on what we bring home, and “clocking” out from today, our debt would stretch all the way to April 4.

Yeah, I know. That stinks.

But here’s the thing–we do have some savings.

It’s like a weird, mental sleight-of-hand trick I’m constantly playing on myself. We are trying to build our savings, mostly through mutual fund investments, so that we have some sense of financial security…while at the same time, we are carrying a debt that eats away at that same sense of financial security.

So today’s simple solution? Sell off those mutual fund shares.

There was probably a more financially savvy approach I could have taken here, I’m sure–if the credit card interest is 15.9%, don’t sell anything that’s earning more than 15.9%. The truth is, though: there’s a cost to all of that debt that isn’t measured by interest rates. It really does feel like a burden that drags me down every time I think about it. Shedding that weight, even at the loss of some potential future earnings, seems like the best, right move.

So sell I did. I couldn’t quite bring myself to sell everything today that I would need to sell in order to zero out that debt, but once money clears and transfers, I will have paid off a considerable portion of the debt we’re carrying–that debt “clock” will move from April 4 back to Feb. 6.

Of course, if our spending keeps up at the same pace, we will be back under the same burden of debt in no time, I’m sure. Reducing consumption will be an ongoing challenge. For today, though, just getting out from under the weight of it all is a step in the right direction.

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Day 22: Ally

Posted on January 22, 2014 by joshdaddy

When I started this blog, one of the first bits of feedback I received was: What a great idea–but what are you going to do with your family for a whole year?

Too true–living “simply” gets a lot harder when you’re sharing a household with a spouse and three kids. I mean: it’s not as if I can up and leave to go and grow beans by a lake somewhere for a couple of years.

The only solution? I’m going to need some allies.

Some of my family will be easier to win over than others. My oldest son’s favorite movie and book last year was Into the Wild, so getting him to think about living simply and directly shouldn’t be too hard. Now my youngest–the 8yr old fashionista— that’s going to be more of a challenge.

So: how to win them over? Sure, by example, but last night, while I was still thinking about queries, I thought it might be a good idea to pose a question to my family as well as myself and use that as a tool for the day:

If you could do one thing to make your life simpler today, what would it be? What would you change?

I told them last night I would ask them this question in the morning. My oldest boy had his answer ready by the time breakfast was on the table: stop rushing to get things done at the last minute. Not a bad one. My wife had hers as well: get rid of the old clothes. That one’s coming, for sure! My middle and youngest passed for the morning, but later this evening I got: put away things in my room after I take them out from my youngest, and from my middle one: worry less about other people’s problems and focus on my own. Not bad advice on healthy detachment, coming from an 11yr old!

I think what was most surprising about today is that this evening, when I asked my two youngest if they had thought of something, they both said “yes” without hesitating. Apparently the question had been in their minds, at least somewhat, throughout the day.

It’s good to know I have some allies in the house. Goodness knows: simple isn’t always easy–and I can use all the support I can get.

And me? I guess if I had to answer that question right now, the one thing I would do to make my life simpler would be: let go.

Today has seemed just a little bit more difficult than usual. Maybe it’s all the complications at work right now. Maybe it’s a conversation I keep replaying/revising in my head. Or maybe it’s because I’m tired and still getting over my cold….

Whatever it is, I seem to be grasping pretty tightly to all sorts of phantoms, none of which really need to be occupying my thoughts and emotions right now.

And there’s really not much left of this day–less than an hour. Perhaps there’s just enough time today, right now, to let go, relax, and breathe.

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Day 21: Query

Posted on January 21, 2014 by joshdaddy

Perhaps it’s my Concord upbringing coming through once again, but I’ve gotten a lot of inspiration from Emerson’s writings over the years. But the more I have read of Emerson, and the more I have learned of the Quakers, the more it becomes clear to me just how much American Transcendentalism was influenced by the Quaker concept of “inner light” and the importance of listening for that “still, small voice.” I’ve had plenty of experience “shooting of the gulf” and “darting to an aim,” but goodness knows I could use more practice in listening to what moves me to act.

So today’s experiment is Emersonian, to some degree, but more accurately, it comes out of the Quaker practice of queries. According to the Friends General Conference,

Queries are questions that guide personal and group reflection on how our lives and actions are shaped by Love and Truth. The emphasis is on how to live a life more completely aligned with the life of the spirit.

For today, I’ve tried to keep bringing myself back to a rather basic query:

Why am I doing what I am doing? What guides my actions?

Sadly, a majority of my actions today seem to be driven by:

  • Ego
  • Fear
  • Habit
  • Instinct/Stimulus Response

I would love to say that after three weeks of attention toward simple living that I am more finely attuned to the flow and texture of my daily life, and that I am living life more deliberately….

But that would be a lie.

But don’t get me wrong–today’s post isn’t written in a slump of dejection. Rather, it’s an admission to the fact that for a vast majority of my day, I’m still caught up in all sorts of emotional, mental, intellectual, and financial entanglements that make me more reactive than intentional in my actions.

So the query stands: Why am I doing what I am doing? What guides my actions?

The question really serves two purposes. Yes, certainly it helps me think about my drives and motivations. But before I can get there, something else has to happen first. I have to be aware of my actions in the first place. Sounds stupid to type it out and see those words on my screen, but the truth is: half the time I don’t know what I’m doing while I’m doing it… much less what motivates me to do what I am doing.

So like slowing down, stopping, looking, and listening, the query serves as a tool to help me see myself and my actions–so I can then start taking those actions in a more conscious and deliberate fashion.

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Day 20: Steward

Posted on January 20, 2014 by joshdaddy

My Youngest Crushing MistyI really enjoy spending time with my kids. Sure, they can annoy me, but more often than not I love having them with me, and it seems like they enjoy my company as well.

So, today, with the MLK holiday and all of us off for the day, I decided to take advantage of the good weather and head out to one of our nearby crags: Sand Rock, Alabama.

We do quite a bit of outdoor climbing, each of us at our own level, and Sand Rock is nice in that it gives us all a range of climbs to work (and with a not very strenuous approach hike). The downside of Sand Rock is its trail condition. And while it has gotten much better over the years, there is still always plenty of trash to be found tangled in the underbush… or sometimes just sitting in the middle of the trail.

We always try to Leave No Trace and carry out more than we bring in, but today we made a point of bringing a 13-gallon kitchen trash bag with us so we could really clean trail as we went.

And clean we did. We found bottles–whole and shattered–cans, little scraps of climbing tape, tin foil, plastic bags, and so on. We didn’t quite fill our 13-gallon bag, but we definitely hauled out quite a bit.

Trail stewardship is always a good practice, but the intentional focus on clean-up today provided a way for me to shift beyond a consumer’s perspective on Sand Rock, or even a patron’s perspective, for that matter. Caring for the crag provided a way for me, and the kids, to connect that much more closely to the land we were climbing on. We took away trash, but we also left a little bit of ourselves as we tended to the  trail.

On one hand, one might argue that it would have been “simpler” to just leave the trash. After all, didn’t I complicate the day by adding a clean-up “chore” to a day of recreation? I think not.

Easier, perhaps.

More short-sighted, certainly.

“Simplify” today meant something more like “back to basics.” And I guess there is no more simple truth than: steward the earth.

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Day 19: Tend

Posted on January 19, 2014 by joshdaddy

IMG_1788I hadn’t really wanted a gas fireplace, but it does have its advantages. On school mornings, I’m sure I would have a hard time building a wood fire, but with gas, I can give the kids breakfast in front of the fire any morning it’s cold enough to warrant it.

Our fireplace sits in the front room. I suppose it’s the living room, but as in most houses it is not the room that sees the most of our living. Growing up, we always had the “look at” room–a place for company when they came to visit (though we rarely ever entertained) and home to the furniture we weren’t allowed to sit on.

Our living room isn’t that kind of space. Honestly, for most of the year it’s the “don’t look at” room, home to the overflow of daily life that covers every inch of the dining room table in the adjoining room. It’s also where all the postal boxes and shipping packaging seem to hang out for weeks on end, until they eventually find their way into the basement.

Truth is–it is a nice space, especially in the winter, and especially early morning, when the kids are piled up in front of the fire wrapped in blankets and sipping tea.

So it struck me as time to tend to this room–to make it a place to be.

Maybe that sounds overly ornate–to tend to the room. I mean, what did I do today? I cleaned it. Sent boxes down to the basement. Threw away magazines. Dusted and swept. So sure, I cleaned (and I guess there are probably days when this blog sounds more like it should be called Dude, Clean Your House Already!) But it wasn’t really just about cleaning. It felt more like I was coaxing something into being, much as you coax a fire from embers into something that can sustain itself, as long as you are willing to keep feeding it. In clearing out the clutter and dust, I was aware that I was also clearing out all the things that keep me from using this room as a quiet space of my own. I was also aware of how I was trying to build a space for the kids as well, a space that would be even more welcoming, and comforting, and warm.

I was cleaning a room, yes, but I was also tending the hearth.

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Day 18: Slow

Posted on January 18, 2014 by joshdaddy

So the first thing I ate this morning were two or three of these small, red grapes I bought at the store the other day. They were a perfect balance of sweet and tart–a great wake-up for my mouth in the morning, and a delightful break to yesterday’s fast.

I tried chewing the grapes slowly, to really enjoy the flavor and to really pay attention to the experience of eating them. The fact is: I rarely try to do anything slowly. Usually, I am trying to figure out how to do more, instead of just enough, which means always trying to do things faster.

I can’t tell you how many times a day I am telling my kids to hurry up–but I never tell myself to slow down.

And that’s today’s “revolutionary” challenge to myself: go slow.

Slowing down will allow me to be more deliberate in the actions I do take. It also challenges me to focus on that one thing, and one thing at a time.

I put a pot on the stove and start to cook (slowly of course!) some oatmeal with raisins, a cinnamon stick, and a pat of butter. As it cooks, I notice the kitchen floor needs sweeping. I take out the broom and sweep–slowly, deliberately. I pay attention. Each sweep of the broom provides a practice of mindfulness….

That is: until I smell the oatmeal.

Then I find myself wanting to hurry up. Get that dust and dirt and scattering of crumbs into a pile and get back to the stove–quick!

I had to breathe, and remind myself that the oatmeal would be fine for another minute or two, and to continue sweeping… and to continue to be deliberate in the task at hand.

That tends to be my downfall–stacking tasks. So let’s see if for today at least, I can try to do one thing at a time…and to do each thing slowly, deliberately, and mindfully.

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Day 17: Fast

Posted on January 17, 2014 by joshdaddy

Ok, first things first: today’s one-day fast has nothing to do with weight loss, “cleansing,” or purging.

Last night, somewhere around nine o’clock, I found myself elbow deep into a box of cereal. It wasn’t the late night snacking that caught my attention–it was the fact that I was almost entirely unaware of what I was doing.

It was the epitome of mindless action.

In my reckoning, Thoreau’s exhortation, “Instead of three meals a day, if it be necessary eat but one” is not a Transcendentalist weight loss plan, an admission of anorexia, or a monastic call to austerity. Rather, I think he is asking us to attune to our own hunger. If food is one of our most basic needs, then hunger can provide a tool for living deliberately: to eat when I hear the call of its necessity.

Trust me: I love food, and food for me is not just sustenance. Food connects me to my past. It connects me to my family. When I cook for you, or with you, it is an act of love.

I guess I could have just said “I’m Italian” and you would have understood, right?

So the idea here is not to deny myself food. Rather, I’m trying to create a space, for today, to become aware of all the times when I am eating food not because of its necessity, or because it is providing some other level of nourishment, but simply as a mindless act.

So this morning I caught myself not popping the cantaloupe cube into my mouth, that had not quite made it into one of the kids’ snack packs. I also was aware of not licking the last of the chicken salad off the knife, and not nibbling on a pita chip right before I sealed up the bag to put it back in the well-provided pantry.

Not a bad start. It was only on the drive to work, when I found myself sucking on a Fisherman’s Friend lozenge, did I realize–Hey wait! I’m eating! Even though there’s an argument to be made that a lozenge might be more candy than medicine (did you know Pez distributes Fisherman’s Friend?) given how bad I have been coughing lately, I decided they were indeed a necessity today. But the fact that I had popped one in my mouth without even realizing it, while caught up in God-knows-what distracting train of thought, was in itself instructive. In fact, if I’m really honest about it, I couldn’t tell you if it was the first or second lozenge I was Mindless Mintsucking on when I became aware of what I was doing.

I definitely felt a growing sense of focus as the day went on. In the middle of a phone call with one of our VP’s, I realized that I had unwrapped a peppermint candy that had been sitting on my desk and was getting ready to pop in it my mouth. Entirely unaware of my own actions!

By 3pm, I realized that I was feeling hungry…pretty much for the first time today. Feeling hunger all the time is undoubtedly a basic condition of human suffering that is far too common for far too many people around the world. Never feeling hungry, however, seems perhaps equally unjust.

As I was pulling in front of my house, I caught myself thinking about what snack I could put together while I prepared dinner. I don’t think it was because I was hungry: I think it was simply because I was pulling in front of my house, and that’s what I do when I first walk in the door. I parked the car, started walking down the path toward the front door and caught myself thinking the same thought–only moments after acknowledging how rote my thoughts and actions can be!

It’s about 5:30pm now–the time I would usually start cooking. I remembered, though, that my wife promised the kids dinner out at a local joint specializing in corn dogs and fountain drinks. Not exactly the most tempting meal for me to skip, I have to admit.

And tomorrow’s first act: a mindful, deliberate breakfast!

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Day 16: Care

Posted on January 16, 2014 by joshdaddy

In my humdrum life, the daily battle hasn’t been good versus evil. It’s hardly so epic. Most days, my real battle is doing good versus doing nothing.

–Deirdre Sullivan

I went to a funeral today. After a yearlong battle with leukemia, a young man, not even 40, passed away, leaving behind a wife and four young children. Truly tragic.

I had known the man and his wife as work colleagues many years back. I had stayed in contact by email for a little while, but it had probably been two or three years since I had been in touch with either one of them.

I remember hearing from a mutual friend about a year ago when the husband was first diagnosed, but I didn’t reach out then.

And then a few weeks ago, I heard through someone else that our friend was in the hospital with a bad lung infection.

And then on Monday I heard he had passed.

Several years back, I heard a woman named Deirdre Sullivan read her essay for NPR’s “This I Believe” segment. The title of her essay was “Always Go to the Funeral,” advice her father had given her as a girl, which she has now expanded into a personal credo. It’s about doing the right thing, she explains, even when it feels uncomfortable, even when it is inconvenient. Because it’s the right thing to do.

I used to hate funerals. I hated that awkward feeling of not knowing what to say that would express my sympathy. Or worse: knowing that there was nothing I could ever say that would sound completely sincere.

It was only after my own brother died that I realized that it’s the showing up that really matters, not the words.

Love, compassion, sympathy… those are big words that sometimes I have a hard time living up to.

“Caring” sets the bar so much lower. So low, in fact, that when I put my choice of actions into those terms–care or don’t care– it’s hard for me to turn away from saying “I care.”

I’m here because I care.

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