Day 295: Enact

Posted on October 22, 2014 by joshdaddy

I was wandering through the library stacks today.

Actually, it was my first time in the stacks of my new library. I had about a half hour until a talk I was supposed to attend, so I thought I would poke around. Yes, I did a catalog search of myself and made sure my own books were on the shelf. But then I started pulling some other titles–nothing directly related to my current work, but rather tangents that might point me in some other, yet-discovered direction.

The library at this university is so different from my last university. Here, the library is a hub of activity. Students were everywhere, working (or not working) alone or in groups of two or three. I felt myself in the middle of a vibrant, academic community.

And then it dawned on me: I’m part of that community as well.

I’ve mentioned before how in Atlanta, my work life and my daily life rarely intersected. I lived so far from campus that I never really “hung out” on campus, and I almost never could attend evening activities.

Now here I was, for the second evening in a row, taking part in a co-curricular event, and killing time in the stacks.

I suppose I am really just the collection of my daily practices. And as those daily habits shift, and I open myself up to new ways of being, the “fundamental question” is no longer: Who am I? but rather: Who shall I become?

 

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Day 294: Smoke

Posted on October 21, 2014 by joshdaddy

No, I haven’t returned to any long-discarded bad habits. But I did manage to smoke up the house a bit tonight.

The night turned cold, so we decided that a fire would be in order. Only I wasn’t really tending to the fire very well. I started it in a pretty haphazard fashion–in fact, I’m pretty sure at one point I was piling kindling with one hand while holding a slice of pizza in the other. Once I got the fire started, I really didn’t give it the care it required to get it blazing. I just left it to smolder along, while I went about my business.

Did I mention the wind? We’ve got something like 25 mile per hour gusts tonight.

So, what do you get when you have a less-than-roaring fire, a chimney without a cap, and really strong winds?

Smoke in the house.

It took me three really good downdrafts before I gave the fire what it needed to get it blazing.

I am absolutely certain there’s a really powerful moral to this story. I think I’ll leave it to you, though, to fan those flames of wisdom and insight.

Me? I’m going to go get my book now and in read in front of the fire.

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Day 293: Wobble

Posted on October 20, 2014 by joshdaddy

Here’s to being just a little unstable.

I noticed that I was feeling a little down earlier today. Nothing major, but enough for me to note it. The cause? Well, there’s the usual suspects: first day back at work after a long(ish) weekend; staying up too late on a Sunday night; the nagging pain in my elbow; growing concern over growing debt; and so on.

But by this afternoon, my mood had turned. No, I wasn’t ecstatic–I still had debt and elbow pain, and I was still over-tired–but the feeling had gone.

It may sound stupid (or maybe just egotistical), but I sometimes have to remind myself that it’s perfectly fine to feel out of sorts now and then. I can end up feeling guilty for feeling bad. I mean: here I am, with much to be thankful for, in a job I enjoy and in a part of the country I love. If I feel bad under these circumstances, I must be clinically depressed or just plain ungrateful, right?

Or not.

So today, I’m reminding myself that it’s OK to feel not OK. In fact, it’s probably a healthy thing. Don’t get me wrong: I’m not making light of depression. I am fully aware of how devastating clinical depression can be. But what I am talking about is: being willing to acknowledge and accept the fundamental instability of our emotional lives.

Feelings come and go.

And thank goodness for that.

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Day 292: Fry

Posted on October 19, 2014 by joshdaddy

We went to the Wooly Worm Festival–an annual event in honor of the Wooly Bear Caterpillar, aka the Isabella Tiger Moth caterpillar, which (according to local lore) is an accurate predictor of the coming winter’s weather (or at least no worse that a groundhog at predicting spring).

I thought the day’s highlight would be the famous wooly worm races. Yes, we entered a caterpillar, and yes, we finished pretty much dead last. Ah well.

But the highlight of the fair for me was the ten minutes I spent talking with a man who makes cigar box guitars. He had sold out by the time I got to his booth, and all he had left were instruments that my oldest dubbed “Spam-dolins.” We talked about his craft, how long he had been at it. We talked about his grandson, who seemed to be a natural with a guitar. We talked.

I’ve always admired people who dedicate themselves to a craft, whatever that craft is. And I’ve always felt that there is something meditative in most craft practices–be that knitting, or carving, or throwing pots.

Me? I guess the closest I come to a craft is cooking. I really enjoy the time I spend in the kitchen (well, most of the time, that is). And yes, there are dishes I prepare that have a certain meditative quality to them.

Frying chicken is one of them.

That may sound strange, but probably only if you have never fried chicken. There’s a certain attentiveness that comes with minding that cast iron fryer of mine, watching the pieces as they brown, carefully turning them, and keeping the oil at just the right temperature.

It may not be as impressive an act as turning a can of Spam and a piece of wood into a two-string mandolin, but it worked for me tonight as a moment of being-present.

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Day 291: Question

Posted on October 18, 2014 by joshdaddy

I think I have been putting off this blog post for a little while now, but I’ve had a lingering question in the back of my mind for the past week or so:

Has this blog already served its purpose?

Here I am, just over two months out from the end of the year, and I am having more and more days in which I sit down at night in front of the computer and ask myself: did I really do anything today to simplify my life, or try to live more deliberately?

I suppose questioning the purpose of continuing on is a healthy thing. And certainly the last ten months have had their seasons. First, so much of what I wrote had to do with clearing out the clutter and chaos, and finding ways to dedicate time and space to being home, and being in the now.

Then came the big changes–the move to North Carolina, and the passing of my father-in-law.

And now the settling in. There’s still lots of newness and lots of exploring going on, but by now, we are all settling into familiar grooves, and finding paths through our days that are increasingly routine.

And what will the next two months hold in store for me?

Perhaps what I am questioning today is not how will I maintain my focus on simple, deliberate living for the next 74 days, but rather: how will I maintain a daily practice of living simply, regardless of whether or not I write about it every day?

Or to put it more simply: What about Day 366?

No, this entry will not be my last. I am sure I will continue to find daily touchstones for the next two months. But even if I do not have the answer to tonight’s question, I know that part of this journey I am on involves asking myself just this sort of thing.

So I guess the real question is: Why did it take me so long to ask?

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Day 290: Evacuate

Posted on October 17, 2014 by joshdaddy

The past two days have been fall break on campus. I had some meetings scheduled for Thursday, but I told myself I would keep Friday open and try to use it as a vacation day.

My wife obliged, volunteering to get up first to make lunches and breakfast for the kids. It sort of worked. By about 6:30, though, I couldn’t stary in bed any longer, so I got up to start a fire.

And then the next thing I knew, I was volunteering to drive my oldest into school, with the idea that I would just stop by the office for a moment to take care of a little paperwork.

And then the next thing I knew, it was 12:30. Time to evacuate the office.

Which I did.

But I had one more chore to tend to, which took much longer than I thought it would. And then the next thing I knew–it was 3:00 and time to pick up my son from school.

So much for a vacation day.

I felt so irritated that I had lost my chance to enjoy the day. Of course, no one did anything to make me “lose the day.” It was my own actions, from 6:30am onwards. And of course, I didn’t really lose the day, did I. What happened is that the day didn’t live up to my expectations.

What I really needed to do was evacuate my expectations and enjoy the day I had, in whatever form it took.

I may not have gone on that great hike I had planned in my mind, but the only time I really wasted today were those moments I spent frustrated and irritated that the day I made up in my head didn’t match up with the real one that I was living.

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Day 289: Doze

Posted on October 16, 2014 by joshdaddy

Wow. I just woke up after falling asleep on the couch. That was unexpected.

I was planning on writing about how I had sacrificed my own interests tonight for the sake of another–but now, I really think the most honest, healthiest, and simplest thing I can do for myself is to totter off to bed.

So that’s what I’m going to do.

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Day 288: Drift

Posted on October 15, 2014 by joshdaddy

“Flow” sounds so much more positive than “drift,” doesn’t it. But that’s how I felt today–like I am drifting along.

And is that a bad thing? It didn’t feel like it today.

I have been up in our new home for three months now–and three months at my new job. There is a lot that I have already learned, and I’m sure that there is a lot more for me to learn.

But the pace of it all–well, it just seems right. I am doing what needs to be done, but I am not pushing to take on more than I need to. I think I noticed it first yesterday–I came home from work early and realized there’s nothing I need to do. Yesterday that realization took me by surprise. Today, it was more intentional.

Don’t get me wrong: I am still excited by all that is new–at home and at work. What’s different is that I’m not feeling rushed to check off items on some mental to-do list. It’s quite a shift for me to take things as they come, instead of rushing headlong toward the next task or the next adventure. For today, at least….

It’s true that I don’t have all the time in the world. None of us do. But if I am going to live in the moment, I’d like to make that moment just a little less rushed.

And today I got a taste of that.

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Day 287: Proportionate

Posted on October 14, 2014 by joshdaddy

Huh. It turns out “proportionate” is a verb. Who knew?

So I’ve been a bit down today. It may be the long stint of rain, or it may be the multiple days of thick fog. But if you ask me, it’s that nagging–sometimes dull and sometimes acute–pain in my right elbow.

I’ve had ongoing minor-to-moderate pain before (trapezius 2x, shoulder, hand, etc.) that has gotten in the way of physical activity. Each time, it has taken time to heal and recover.

And each time, I have slipped into a funk, thinking to myself: this pain is now the new normal, and I will never return to my previous level of activity.

Today was my day to slump into those thoughts. I let myself have at them for a little bit (ok, maybe a little longer than a little bit), but then I got some perspective.

All in all, I have much to be grateful for. And all in all, I am in good health. So why should I assume that I wouldn’t have a recovery in me–especially from something that is ultimately as mild as a touch of tendonitis in one elbow?

I’m not sure what puts me into these kinds of downward spirals–all I know is that they seem to be inversely related to the severity of the matter at hand.

So I’m calling off the pity party. And yes, I’ve been icing, and yes I’ve been doing my exercises. Now all I need is patience.

And perspective.

And gratitude.

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286: Transfer

Posted on October 13, 2014 by joshdaddy

Some things haven’t changed too much over the past 286 days. Finances would be one of them. While we are certainly not hurting for essentials, and the new job has been a help, our day to day money situation is still not what I would consider simplified.

So we continue to work on it.

Tonight’s complication–having two checking accounts in two different states…that are not (yet) linked.

I have been lazy in swapping over some automatic withdrawals that are coming out of our “old” Georgia account. Now that account is just about drawn down, with not enough in it to cover the next scheduled withdrawal.

I did some quick electronic fixes to keep that account from hitting into the red, but we definitely need to simplify our finances a bit to avoid future complications like this.

I mean: it’s not as though managing money is my strong suit to begin with, so why not simplify matters as much as possible?

So that’s what I started to do tonight.

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