Day 55: Wait

I have a confession to make: I’m a line jumper.

Yup, I’m that guy you see in the supermarket, looking from one line to the next and then jumping to whichever one appears “quicker.”

I do it on the highway too, though not as much as I used to. When traffic is bad, I’m constantly trying to outpace whatever lane I am in–even if it’s just by one car length. And yes, I am fully aware of the curse of the lane changer, who finds that the lane he just left is suddenly moving faster than the lane he now occupies.

So today I was in line at the Farmer’s Market, and the woman in front of me had a big cart filled with lots of stuff. I started to eye the family of four in the next lane, doing the calculation in my head (fewer items, more people) to determine which line would get me out of there quicker.

And then I stopped.

It struck me that even though I had to be somewhere in a half hour, at that moment I was right there. It was another instance of constantly trying to get somewhere, or do something, other than what is right in front of me. And of course, the more mundane the task, the harder it is for me to be really present and attentive. It’s easy to be in the moment when that moment is joyful, or poignant, or exhilarating–but being present in line at the supermarket, or in a line of traffic–that’s a major challenge.

So today, for a change, I just stood there and waited for the woman to pay for all of her groceries. No big enlightenment. No revelations. I just patiently stood in line and did just that.

Later in the day, I caught myself stealing a look at my phone at a stoplight (yes, I know–I still need to practice stowing it away). I stopped myself and reminded myself that there was no reason why work couldn’t wait.

When I got home after the gym tonight, the first thing I wanted to do was sit down and write this post. But there were some end-of-day chores to attend to, and kids to get to bed. So I waited–and without announcing to the family that my very important activities were on hold while I did such menial labor. I did what needed to be done, in the moment it needed to be done. And when the time came to write this post, I sat down and did that as well–even though the next thing I needed to do was already starting to crowd in.

But that next moment would have to wait its turn as well.

It’s a funny thing, when you think of it. Sure, there’s always some perfectly good reason why I would choose to rush on, focusing on the next thing, instead of slowing down and being present. But what have I really gained in those moments of haste?

And what have I lost?

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Day 54: Support

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about how I had an easier time taking the lead than I did following someone else’s suggestions. While I hadn’t thought of it this way at first, it turns out that today’s focus falls into the same category, but from a different vantage point.

My father-in-law had a stroke in November, and since he has several other complicating medical issues, his recovery has not been good. He lives about an hour away from us. My wife has been driving down on the weekends to see him, and to help her mom as much as she can. Since I need to stay with the kids, it’s been at least a month since I’ve been able to visit. His condition has been deteriorating, so my wife really wanted me to come with her today for a one-day trip. We debated bringing the kids with us, but decided to get a sitter for the day so we could both be there without being distracted.

In all honesty, there’s really not a lot that anyone can do at this point, except to make him comfortable and let him know he’s loved. And that’s what we tried to do today.

My role in all of this is to be as supportive as I can be to the people who are most effected by his worsening condition. And for me, the key is in understanding what it means to support, instead of trying to step into the lead. In this situation, I’m not going to be able to fix anything. I’m not going to be able to offer any solutions. All I can do is offer support.

Where I had some sort of a breakthrough today, though, I guess, was in realizing that in order to be supportive, I needed to play a supporting role. Whatever was going on in the family, my role was decidedly secondary. Maybe I am stating what is obvious to anyone who is not completely self-centered, but for me it was important to acknowledge. If playing that supporting role means offering an opinion when asked, then I will provide it. If it means listening when my wife needs to talk through her concerns, then I need to listen. Wisdom lies in discerning the difference between the two.

Some of today’s support meant having difficult conversations about my father-in-law’s medical outlook. And some of today’s support meant sitting quietly and holding his hand. Either way, it was helpful for me to remember that compassion does not need to play a lead role to show care and concern to those who are in a time of suffering.

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Day 53: Refresh

IMG_2032OK, today’s is a two-part challenge… and to do the second part tonight would mean scurrying out to the Farmer’s Market in the next twenty minutes, and that’s not going to happen. It seems like a much better idea to spend the rest of the night hanging out with the family.

Here is the spice shelf, in all its glory. As with the pantry and other storage areas in the kitchen, things tend to stack up on each other, resulting in chaos and daily frustration. The spice shelf is pretty bad. And to make matters worse, it has become a place to squirrel away stray bits of kitchen-related (and sometimes not-so-kitchen-related) oddities.

To tackle today’s clear-out, I thought I would divide the herbs and spices into two piles–things I’ve used in the last six months, and stuff that I can’t remember the last time I needed. The goal was to hang onto what I really needed on hand in the kitchen, and then to discard everything else–mainly stuff that I’ve been holding onto for years “just in case” I might need it some day. As I started into the process, though, it became apparent that I needed two additional categories: empty storage containers that needed to go into recycling, and random medicine cabinet supplies that somehow worked their way into this particular kitchen cabinet.

I ended up chucking out a lot–most of the herbs and spices that I hadn’t used in six months in reality hadn’t been used in years. Many of these containers had followed me from one house or apartment to the next–the lemon pepper blend in this picture, for example, must be at least thirteen or fourteen years old, and I’m pretty sure the dill actually predates my marriage…..

IMG_2036So I cleared out a lot today–I emptied out herbs and spices into the back yard and recycled the glass, plastic, and aluminum containers. And the medical stuff went off to the bathroom closet–or into the trash. And what I had left was a reasonable arrangement of the herbs and spices that I actually use on a regular basis. The pictures may not look too different, but actually I have empty shelf space now, instead of herb tubs stacked four high and three deep.

IMG_2038So now, about the refresh part of today. I had heard somewhere that the best thing most of us can do to improve our kitchen spices is to throw them all away. Hang on to dried herbs for longer than a year (or in my case… a decade) and all that you really have are a bunch of old leaves with barely any oils left in them.

Now granted, herbs and spices can be expensive, and it may not seem too minimalist to throw away “perfectly good” decade-old herbs, but given that I’ve already purged the stuff I haven’t used in ages, I’m only replacing the herbs and spices that are in regular rotation, but that have lost a good portion of their flavor. And I am fortunate enough to have a farmer’s market around the corner, where I can get half-pint plastic containers of herbs and spices literally for pennies. The last container of oregano I purchased cost me 55¢. I suppose it’s good and bad news–while I might actually use that much oregano in a year, there’s no way I’m going to go through a half pint of file powder in twelve months, even if I make gumbo twice a week. It’s a fine line to ride, I suppose, between caring for and tending to the freshness of what I have, and taking part in unnecessary consumption (no matter how cheaply) by purchasing more of something than I can use in a reasonable amount of time.

So perhaps I will have to reconsider some of the finer points of this argument in the future, but for this purge, clearly there was a lot of stuff I needed to get rid of–and there’s plenty of good reason to think that our meals can be made that much more pleasant… not by purchasing extravagant goods, but by attending with care to the small details of what and how we eat at our family table.

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Day 52: Nap

Wow, this so feels like a cheat today. I mean, come on: nap??!?

I went back and forth with titles before I got started here. I’ve been trying not to recycle challenges by name, though certainly there are plenty of repeating themes. So no “Rest” for today, or “Pace,” or even “Restore.” It was after typing and deleting the word “Recharge” that I gave up and forced myself to write what I really needed to do right now in order to address my most pressing concerns.

I needed to nap.

Now I don’t nap by habit. In fact, if I am sleeping during the day, usually one of my kids will ask me if I’m sick, or if something is wrong. As I’ve noted before, it’s definitely a struggle for me to admit–or even realize– that I’m pushing myself too hard. No matter how run down I start feeling, my “natural” impulse is to push myself just a little bit further. Toward what, though? A sense of accomplishment? Fulfillment? Pride, that I can “get by” without tending to basic human needs? Well, that sounds healthy and admirable, doesn’t it?

So I’m tired, and it’s been a tiring week. And as it so happens, this evening I’m entirely alone in the house. Sure, there are work tasks and home tasks that I could tend to, but not now.

Once I finish writing the next couple of sentences, I am going to go into my bedroom, get out a book, and start to read–with every intention of shutting my eyes before I get past the second or third page.

Not a very exciting entry today, I know. But I have to remind myself, every now and then, that the purpose of writing this blog is to help me focus on what’s really important right in front of me. And right now, I can think of no more enjoyable way to live deliberately than to make a conscious choice to sleep briefly, and deeply… and then to awaken to the remainder of my day.

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Day 51: Mend

For the past 50 days, I have managed to blog every day, and to get something posted before the stroke of midnight. That is, until last night.

Here’s what happened. I had packed up all the books that I was planning to give away and placed them by the front door to take to school. It was about 11:30, which gave me a half hour to write a short post. And that’s when my wife asked me to help her with a setting on her phone that she couldn’t get to work.

So what did I do? Well, what else was there to do? I became irritable, impatient, and argumentative. In short, I became a jerk.

Ah, the wonderful ironies of life: here I am, trying to live simply and mindfully in the moment–and then there I go, creating unnecessary complications and conflict just because I couldn’t do what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it.

So we got through whatever problem she was having with her settings (which took much longer than necessary because of my charming attitude), and I finished last night’s entry–a little after midnight.

And yes, I apologized for being impatient and in general acting like a three-year-old. And of course, she accepted my apology–my wife is not one to nurse a grudge (unlike some people). But when I woke up this morning, I started to think about what else I could do, other than offer words, to show my wife (and yes, to show myself too) that I understood that at some level, all of our actions have consequences that subtly shape what’s possible for our lives and our world as each moment unfurls before us.

What I really wanted to focus on today was the simple act of mending: seeing what needs fixing, and choosing to fix it.

And that’s why I ordered my wife the replacement parts for the two broken car handles on the van.

The van has had broken handles on the driver’s side for about a month now. First the rear door handle snapped off under the brute strength of our eight-year-old. Then the driver door handle snapped off about a week later. I told my wife I would order the parts online, and when they arrived, I would repair it myself.

And then, I completely forgot to order them.

So today, I ordered car handles. Because sometimes it’s good to buy flowers. And sometimes it’s good to order auto parts.

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Day 50: Unstack

IMG_2024Getting rid of clothing clutter–that’s easy. Books, however… that’s a different story altogether.

We have books everywhere–far more books than we have bookshelf space. Books are stacked on top of books. Books are squirreled away in corners and in closets. I think we even have books stashed away under beds….

You get the picture.

I hold onto books on the logic that someone, someday might want to read what’s on the shelf. Perhaps I will want to reread something. Or perhaps I will need to consult a book as a reference. Or perhaps I will finally get around to reading that tattered paperback I picked up at a used bookstore 25 years ago. And while these events do occur on occasion, they are rare occasions at best.

So no major purge tonight–we are going to have to do this one in stages. I simply focused on two shelves on a bookcase I pass every day going up and down the stairs.

Some time before Christmas, I cleared out most of this bookshelf. Pretty much I moved things around from one room to another (ok, some re-stacking might have taken place), but I did manage at least to box up a bunch of baby books, which we still need to drop off at consignment or donate somewhere.

But I never quite finished. So tonight, I’m just completing a task that should have been wrapped up months ago.

IMG_2026And the timing’s right too. As it turns out, my school is having a used book sale next week and is looking for donations. My only goal–get rid of whatever didn’t fit on the shelves, and get them out of the house.

With a little rearranging and some selective purging, I managed to get rid of a large tote bag filled to the brim of books that I will probably never want to reread–and I would doubt anyone else in the house would have much use for. I’m not too happy about the arrangement of books that remain on these two shelves (the Library of Congress certainly wouldn’t approve), but it is certainly an improvement.

And while I was at it, I got rid of the fish tank supplies that have been sitting on these shelves as well–the tank has been drained and empty of fish since November.

I know, two shelves of books and some fish food might not seem like much, but it’s a start!

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Day 49: Orient

IMG_2006I still can’t find the Little Wilson trailhead….

My plan for today was to take a short hike as a way of unwinding after a busy couple of days. I was free at 1pm, but instead of jumping in my car for that five hour drive back home, I thought I would head out to a crag I keep trying to find called Little Wilson. It’s a cliff face near the Little Wilson River (thus the name), but the trailhead starts somewhere off of Route 221 in Avery County, NC. There used to be an old red fridge dumped by the side of the road that marked the trail, but it is long gone….

With the leaves off the trees and some “good” directions in hand, I was sure that this time I would be able to find the trail. The only problem was that there was still lots of snow covering everything that wasn’t paved. I walked around for a bit where the trail should have been, but short of wandering through 10-inch snow until I eventually ran into the river, I decided to give up…for now at least.

Instead, I hiked around another crag that I’m more familiar with–it’s called The Dump, but it’s anything but dumpy. You might not be able to tell from the way the banner image is cropped, but it’s from the same location, looking down the same trail as the image on this page.

I’m glad I took the time to head into the woods, if only for a half hour or so. And I’m glad I ended up returning to familiar territory. Even though I’ve spent the last two days in a town that I know rather well, the whole experience, while positive, was very new and somewhat disorienting. It was good to return to well-known territory as a way to reorient myself.

IMG_2015On the way back into town, I took another detour, just to pass by some of my most familiar landmarks in the area. It was nice to be reminded of just how much time I have spent in this neck of the woods, and how much of this area I carry with me in my head. While my mind keeps returning to thoughts of possible changes in the future, it felt good to remind myself that right here, right now, I was walking on familiar earth.

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Day 48: Appreciate

Early on in this process (all of 48 days ago), I wrote that I was going to keep these blog posts as short–and as simple–as I could. Today is certainly one of those days when I need to remind myself of that. It’s getting late, and I’ve had a long, long day. So let me just make a quick observation about today, and then call it a day.

As I was saying yesterday, I’m out of town and in the midst of some conversations that could lead to some significant changes for my entire family. While I have certainly caught myself several times today wrapped up in my head, six months (or six years) down the road of some speculative future, for the most part I’ve managed to remain in the present.

As I worked my way through a 12-hour day of conversation after conversation, I started to notice how many times I heard myself thanking people for their time, their questions, and their comments. I really felt a strong sense of appreciation for the thoughtful attention and care of my hosts.

And of course: those two things are intimately related. It’s hard for me to appreciate what’s being offered to me in the present if I am too caught up in the future.

And that’s all I’ve got today….

And I guess that’s just enough.

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Day 47: Underthink

I tend to overthink. And as an old friend of mine used to say: “When I’m in my head, I’m behind enemy lines.”

I’ve been traveling today–drove about 300 miles, just me and the road for five hours. I’m going to be out of town for a couple of days having some conversations about an opportunity that could lead to some significant changes in my life and my family’s life. What a perfect chance to get inside my head and just hunker down with all sorts of fantasies and projections, right?

I’m well aware of my tendency to project, and in general, the less I get caught up in future outcomes, the better off I am. So yes, it is true that in the future, I might have to make some big decisions. Today, however, all I needed to do was show up on time for a 6pm appointment.

Which brings me to today’s challenge: underthink. Because let’s face it–by the time I’ve even noticed I’m chewing something over in my head, I’ve probably already worried it to death.

So on the drive, when I caught myself “thinking through” the implications of decisions that I may or may not even have to make at some point in the future, I did my best simply to release, breathe, and remind myself that all I really needed to do today was drive safely, check into a hotel, and have a pleasant dinner.

No matter what’s in front of me, there’s never a reason for me to put “worry about the future” on my to-do list.

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Day 46: Unshoe

IMG_1987After socks come shoes, right?

I have what I consider to be a modest collection of footwear–two pairs of dress shoes (brown and black), one pair of casual shoes, two pairs of boots, and a pair of trail shoes. Oh, and a pair of sandals.

Now climbing shoes–that’s a different story.

I am sure any specialty shoe is expensive–be that ballet toe shoes or high end running shoes. Climbing shoes are no exception and can easily run $150 a pair. And it’s pretty easy to burn through the rubber on those shoes too. The good news is: you can get shoes re-soled for around $40 or $50. There’s a point of diminishing return, though, on resoling shoes more than once (or maybe twice). So as it is with many things, eventually climbing shoes need to be retired.

So what does one do with old climbing shoes that are too worn out even to resole? Well, if you are me, you just pile them up in your trunk, just in case… well, just in case I’m not sure what. Maybe I think I will someday need to send a small army of climbers up a rock wall in worn-to-the-toe shoes. Or maybe I feel that somehow I’m being wasteful by tossing out something that cost so much, even though they have clearly been put to good use.

Who knows. But the truth is: I have no good reason for holding onto these things. But hold onto them I do.

So today, I tossed out 17 climbing shoes–yup, 8 and a half pairs. In addition to everything I chucked, I did actually find two pairs that were in good enough condition to pass along to my son’s climbing coach as spares to keep on hand. A third pair were in good condition, but too small for one climber in the family and too big for another. I’ll hold onto that pair for a clearly defined future use, once a little girl’s foot grows into a size 4.

And there was an added benefit to discarding all those shoes today: I cleared out my trunk for the first time in a long time, which had become home to an accumulation of random detritus (a popping cork from a fishing trip I took six months ago, an REI receipt, etc. not to mention a few climbing shoe boxes).

IMG_1986IMG_1997

So no heavy philosophy today, no major insights. But I now actually have room in the trunk for storing things other than old shoes and trash!

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